I looked you up.
Out of curiosity
I wanted to see how you were doing
What you were up to
I saw you happy
Giving others all that I used to beg for
All the things you used to tell me was too much for you
I read the comments
The happy wishes
Although despondent, I smiled
You were happy
And then I saw what I feared
I saw a picture of you picking up another man
Smiling, in the air
Tears streamed down my face
All I could think was
Is this the reason why you couldn’t love me
Was my love not good enough for you
I should not have looked
Progress turns to regression
Nights lose sleep
Deep down I knew
But scared to acknowledge it openly
But you have
And I am the last to find out
It took me some time to get to a point where I can write about what I have been going through the last month without shedding a tear or several. Now, the tears stopped flowing and while sadness is still there from time to time, I made peace. The relationship has died. I have mourned the death of what was, what was supposed to be, what was promised in words and now focused solely on severing those soul ties that seem to lightly bind me to him.
It’s always in hindsight does one truly see what went wrong. I saw the signs but I was working hard on being the best version of me that I ignored them. When he complained that he still felt he didn’t know pertinent information about me, is when I realized he was never truly interested in learning. It was always about him and he masked the ‘about him’ in his words of being about me. Even when he came to that realization he made no changes or took any initiative in finding out more. When I volunteered information about myself to him, he always changed the subject or simply stayed quiet. No interest. When I started pulling away from his world and starting diving deeper in my own interests is when he completely lost interest. I was no longer all about him. While it is ok to understand and partake in your partner’s activities and hobbies, it must go both ways. This was a major part of our demise, his in ability to see me past himself. His actions truly fell short of all that he said he was all about.
I spent weeks trying to recap what happened, I called anyone who would shed some light on his transgressions. I was seeking answers. Answers I got. This was way deeper than I thought it to be. Yet, I still wanted him. I was still fighting for him. The problem in that was he was not fighting for me at all. He said he was doing the best he had. He gave me nothing and told me it was his best. I was fighting for minimal. The minimal I was asking for was way more than he was willing to give. I eventually, had to let it go. I began feeling like I failed at yet another relationship. I am getting older, about to be an empty nester in a matter of months, in a new city…alone. I was feeling super down. It is pointless to over analyze what happened because the reality is unless he tells me what his issues were, I will never know. It’s best to let it go. Feeling down on my luck only lasted a couple days before I realized who I was, where I came from, what I overcame, which was way worse than this. Even though it hurts to lose someone you love, it didn’t break me down. I was whole when he entered my life and I remained whole when he was no longer in it. You see, when I saw that my happiness was drifting gradually, I stopped giving my all and preserved my worth, my dignity, I remained authentic to whom I truly am.
I meditated, I got rid of all things him in my home. I burned sage. I held on tight to my healing crystals and I opened up to those around me. I didn’t keep everything bottled up like I am prone to do. I have a strong inner circle of amazing women who uplifted me all through this. They allowed me to cry, they allowed me to be down for a day or two before they got me out the house, before they got on the next flight to be with me. I am blessed. He did not break me. I never gave him that power. I cried. I purged, I prayed and I am healing. And at last, the tears stopped flowing.