No Closet Doors

I looked you up.

Out of curiosity

I wanted to see how you were doing

What you were up to

I saw you happy

Giving others all that I used to beg for

All the things you used to tell me was too much for you

I read the comments

The happy wishes

Although despondent, I smiled

You were happy

And then I saw what I feared

I saw a picture of you picking up another man

Smiling, in the air

I froze

I stared

Tears streamed down my face

All I could think was

Is this the reason why you couldn’t love me

Was my love not good enough for you

I should not have looked

Progress turns to regression

Nights lose sleep

Deep down I knew

But scared to acknowledge it openly

But you have

And I am the last to find out

Publically

 

Lady InspiHer

 

train-gif-alone

The Day The Tears Stopped Falling

It took me some time to get to a point where I can write about what I have been going through the last month without shedding a tear or several. Now, the tears stopped flowing and while sadness is still there from time to time, I made peace. The relationship has died. I have mourned the death of what was, what was supposed to be, what was promised in words and now focused solely on severing those soul ties that seem to lightly bind me to him.

It’s always in hindsight does one truly see what went wrong. I saw the signs but I was working hard on being the best version of me that I ignored them. When he complained that he still felt he didn’t know pertinent information about me, is when I realized he was never truly interested in learning. It was always about him and he masked the ‘about him’ in his words of being about me. Even when he came to that realization he made no changes or took any initiative in finding out more. When I volunteered information about myself to him, he always changed the subject or simply stayed quiet. No interest. When I started pulling away from his world and starting diving deeper in my own interests is when he completely lost interest. I was no longer all about him. While it is ok to understand and partake in your partner’s activities and hobbies, it must go both ways. This was a major part of our demise, his in ability to see me past himself. His actions truly fell short of all that he said he was all about.

I spent weeks trying to recap what happened, I called anyone who would shed some light on his transgressions. I was seeking answers. Answers I got. This was way deeper than I thought it to be. Yet, I still wanted him. I was still fighting for him. The problem in that was he was not fighting for me at all. He said he was doing the best he had. He gave me nothing and told me it was his best. I was fighting for minimal. The minimal I was asking for was way more than he was willing to give. I eventually, had to let it go. I began feeling like I failed at yet another relationship. I am getting older, about to be an empty nester in a matter of months, in a new city…alone. I was feeling super down. It is pointless to over analyze what happened because the reality is unless he tells me what his issues were, I will never know. It’s best to let it go. Feeling down on my luck only lasted a couple days before I realized who I was, where I came from, what I overcame, which was way worse than this. Even though it hurts to lose someone you love, it didn’t break me down. I was whole when he entered my life and I remained whole when he was no longer in it. You see, when I saw that my happiness was drifting gradually, I stopped giving my all and preserved my worth, my dignity, I remained authentic to whom I truly am.

I meditated, I got rid of all things him in my home. I burned sage. I held on tight to my healing crystals and I opened up to those around me. I didn’t keep everything bottled up like I am prone to do. I have a strong inner circle of amazing women who uplifted me all through this. They allowed me to cry, they allowed me to be down for a day or two before they got me out the house, before they got on the next flight to be with me. I am blessed. He did not break me. I never gave him that power. I cried. I purged, I prayed and I am healing. And at last, the tears stopped flowing.

the end gif

Lady InspiHer

No Love Lost

Love. We all crave and need love in our lives. Regardless of your sexual orientation, love is necessary for survival along with feeling desired by your significant other.

Now ladies, I am going to be real for a moment. As I am writing this, I am struggling with my own relationship. I understand what it takes to have a successful relationship and have read numerous of books, watched shows, documentaries, on how to maintain a good relationship. Let me be the one to say, IT IS HARD. The general consensuses in all were that great relationships take work, dedication and there will be hard times. How couples survive the hard times is a clear indicator if you have a solid relationship. In the past, once my relationships got difficult, it ended, either by me or the other person –but mainly me. This time around, I truly desire to be with the person I am with even though we are not necessarily seeing eye to eye. What I learned, despite our troubled state, is that I genuinely like him as a person. I realize that is hard to come by and I am willing to do what it takes to make things work. With that being sad, I want to share 5 things that I have learned in the past and recently about basics of sustaining a healthy long lasting relationship.

  1. Communication- I can’t stress this enough. Most of us can not communicate effectively. Even I, who thinks I am a great communicator, am learning that I need to learn to communicate better with my significant other. Every person communicates differently and what used to work in a previous relationship, may not work in another one. Learning your significant other’s love language and communication style is important. More often than not, it will be necessary to gain better understanding on learning to communicate with your partner by means of a third party. A professional can equip a couple with tools specialized for them to aid in better communication.
  2. Relinquish Control – Yep, I said it. Let go of the need to want to control your partner and the groove of the relationship. It is important to let your mate be who they are. If things are not working the way you need, communicate (that ratchet C word again). But first ask yourself is this something personal? If so, do the work to find out way. Controlling aspects of your relationship is totally different from your career or decorating your home. You can only control yourself. Your reactions, your responses and your actions.
  3. Time – Spending quality time together is super important. If your significant other devotes their time everywhere else, but with you, then you need to communicate your expectations. Find out what works for them and express your needs. No relationship can survive without spending time together. Without quality time together, the relationship will fall apart and it also shows that there is something seriously wrong. If you like the person you are with, wouldn’t you want to spend time around each other?
  4. Trust- Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. There is no other way around it.
  5. Accept disagreements – You have your own mind right? Guess what! So does your significant other. You will never agree on everything. You will not like what the other says or does from time to time. Conflict is present in every relationship. Some people will say, they never fight, or they never have conflict. I call bullshit. Something is going unsaid. Being agreeable just to avoid conflict is never a good thing. Speak up. Be heard. Be respectful. If the disagreements aren’t major such as domestic violence, mental and emotional abuse, cheating then work it out! Why throw away a good relationship over misunderstanding? As you disagree on things, you will have a better understanding of your partner and if done correctly, you will grow closer.

 

Keep in mind; there are several things that contribute to a successful relationship. Relationships are hard, even if you have found your perfect match. Do not throw away a good relationship over a tough time. Perseverance, trust and good communication can withstand any tough time. Not everyone is a believer, but, if you are I will say seeking a higher power first is essential. Walking by faith and not by sight is solid key to overcoming any trouble that may come your way.

Relationship meme

a-strong-relationship-requires-choosing-to-love-each-other-even-5048528

Ladies, thank you for reading and allowing me to be a little transparent in this post. I look forward to your comments and questions.

 

#beinspired

 

Lady InspiHer

Managing Expectations

happy-new-year-2018-gif-download

2017 is officially gone and we are now embarking on a new journey of 2018. One of the major lessons that I have learned this year was how to manage my expectations in all areas of my life. I feel my biggest let downs were due to my unrealistic expectations. I had a conversation with a friend last year, and I was asking her what her biggest lessons were for that year and she said, managing expectations. At first, I thought, it wasn’t a big deal, but in all honesty, it was a MAJOR deal. My major life lesson that year was learning the power of the pause and not react to everything I felt some emotion about. I had to learn to simply pause.

This year, I am now where my friend was a year ago. I learned to manage my expectations in all aspects of my life. My love life, my career, raising my teenage son, friendships and family. I kid you not, I have dealt with each and every one of these areas this past year; but the most important one was managing the expectation of myselfand where I thought and needed to be. That was a hard pill to swallow. It was a necessary evil, but, I got it. I am still a work in progress, but aren’t we all?

I want to dig a bit deeper into the different categories of where we can better manage our expectations. First up, Love…

Love

marry gif

As women, we are faced with so many societal pressures on when to get married, how many kids we should have, do we even want kids?!, whether or not we should have a full time career or stay at home. Stay in shape, satisfy your mate and the list goes on and on. But what about us? The sense of self? How about maintaining your identity when in a relationship? How long should you date before you should expect a ring? Do you even want to get married? Do you love your significant other? All of these questions and thoughts when in a relationship can cause stress and tons on gray hair! It’s important to block out societal expectations where you should be in your love life, IF you choose to have one at the moment and focus on what YOU want. Focus on where YOU want to the relationship to go. In all honesty, your love life is between two people and two people only. The best way to manage expectations in love is to communicate. Openly and freely. Ignore all the outside pressures (main one being family) and think about what YOU want and discuss it with your partner. Do they have the same vision? What I do is keep my family and most of my friends out of my relationship and hone in on our wants and needs. At the end of the day, someone will always have something to say when it comes to your relationship. Don’t let what ‘they’ say consume you.

Career

the office

Most of us spend 40 hours or more a week at the workplace. If you have a great boss, then wonderful, but if you don’t, things can get tricky. I know the struggle for sure. Do you feel like your ideas are being taken away from you and you get no credit? Your co-workers are phony and back stabbers? Lower your expectations when dealing with coworkers and your boss. At the end of the day, they are human just like you. They have struggles outside of work, just like you. Instead of trying to make them fit into your ideal work environment, create your own. Your boss is keeping information from you that will help you perform better at your job? Do your own research. Pave your own way. If the environment gets too toxic, leave. Find another job. Peace is far more valuable than poison.

Children

teens gif

When raising a child, it’s hard not to have expectations. You know what you have done to succeed, what you have failed at, and the mistakes you have made. You want to teach your child the ropes and prevent them from making the same mistakes you did. Easy right? We expect them to listen, take our advice, and go forth in to the world and conquer, right? Wrong. They don’t. They do everything opposite of what you advised and then get mad at you for even advising. Yep, it’s the expectation again. We expect them to do what we know is right instead of letting them grow into their own selves. Remember when you were younger? Did you listen to everything your parents told you? I did to a certain extent, but I had to pave my own way. I failed a lot. I failed miserably, but I learned appreciation. I learned hard work and perseverance. The key word is I learned. Let your child learn. Remove the expectation from your children. Keep advising, keep inspiring, keep guiding, but don’t allow their mistakes to define you. Easier said than done. Trust me, I know this all too well. It is still a learning process. My child still gets mad at me for even advising. But I will never give up or stop advising. He will have to learn to deal with it!

Relationships

Ahh, the monster of them all… relationships. Relationships with friends and family is terribly hard. Especially the older we get. Your friends will get married, have kids, start new business ventures, make other friends and you will feel left out. You have the expectations that things will remain the same because you did. Wrong. Allow people to be themselves and to grow. That is the expectations we should have in our relationships and they should have the same expectations with you. The expectation of individual growth. As you grow and your friends will grow, you will lose some and others will stick around. It is perfectly ok to let some friendships go but the ones that are worth fighting for, do it and simply be understanding.

daria friend gif

Now when it comes to family relationships, the same rules apply. Some family members, you have to let go and love them from afar, and others you can hold tight onto. There will always be family drama, someone will always be upset with someone else, and sometimes you get put in the middle. As a family member, you tend to expect more out of them because you hold them to a higher regard. Let those expectations go. Love them for who they are. If they are not doing right by you or another person, it is ok to call them out lovingly. Often than not, you have to walk away from a toxic environment to gain peace. You may decide to move to a new place to find peace from family. I am here to tell you NOT to feel guilty about that. Never feel guilty about choosing you. Remember, they are going to choose themselves above all. Be mindful, be respectful, be caring, but be authentic, be true to yourself and value your sanity. Space is a good thing. There is a quote by Zora Neal Hurston that I think of, “All my skinfolk ain’t kinfolk”. That quote rings true to this and many other situations in life.

Ladies, I am urging you to choose YOU above all. Your life depends on it.

Lady InspiHer