I looked you up.
Out of curiosity
I wanted to see how you were doing
What you were up to
I saw you happy
Giving others all that I used to beg for
All the things you used to tell me was too much for you
I read the comments
The happy wishes
Although despondent, I smiled
You were happy
And then I saw what I feared
I saw a picture of you picking up another man
Smiling, in the air
Tears streamed down my face
All I could think was
Is this the reason why you couldn’t love me
Was my love not good enough for you
I should not have looked
Progress turns to regression
Nights lose sleep
Deep down I knew
But scared to acknowledge it openly
But you have
And I am the last to find out
It took me some time to get to a point where I can write about what I have been going through the last month without shedding a tear or several. Now, the tears stopped flowing and while sadness is still there from time to time, I made peace. The relationship has died. I have mourned the death of what was, what was supposed to be, what was promised in words and now focused solely on severing those soul ties that seem to lightly bind me to him.
It’s always in hindsight does one truly see what went wrong. I saw the signs but I was working hard on being the best version of me that I ignored them. When he complained that he still felt he didn’t know pertinent information about me, is when I realized he was never truly interested in learning. It was always about him and he masked the ‘about him’ in his words of being about me. Even when he came to that realization he made no changes or took any initiative in finding out more. When I volunteered information about myself to him, he always changed the subject or simply stayed quiet. No interest. When I started pulling away from his world and starting diving deeper in my own interests is when he completely lost interest. I was no longer all about him. While it is ok to understand and partake in your partner’s activities and hobbies, it must go both ways. This was a major part of our demise, his in ability to see me past himself. His actions truly fell short of all that he said he was all about.
I spent weeks trying to recap what happened, I called anyone who would shed some light on his transgressions. I was seeking answers. Answers I got. This was way deeper than I thought it to be. Yet, I still wanted him. I was still fighting for him. The problem in that was he was not fighting for me at all. He said he was doing the best he had. He gave me nothing and told me it was his best. I was fighting for minimal. The minimal I was asking for was way more than he was willing to give. I eventually, had to let it go. I began feeling like I failed at yet another relationship. I am getting older, about to be an empty nester in a matter of months, in a new city…alone. I was feeling super down. It is pointless to over analyze what happened because the reality is unless he tells me what his issues were, I will never know. It’s best to let it go. Feeling down on my luck only lasted a couple days before I realized who I was, where I came from, what I overcame, which was way worse than this. Even though it hurts to lose someone you love, it didn’t break me down. I was whole when he entered my life and I remained whole when he was no longer in it. You see, when I saw that my happiness was drifting gradually, I stopped giving my all and preserved my worth, my dignity, I remained authentic to whom I truly am.
I meditated, I got rid of all things him in my home. I burned sage. I held on tight to my healing crystals and I opened up to those around me. I didn’t keep everything bottled up like I am prone to do. I have a strong inner circle of amazing women who uplifted me all through this. They allowed me to cry, they allowed me to be down for a day or two before they got me out the house, before they got on the next flight to be with me. I am blessed. He did not break me. I never gave him that power. I cried. I purged, I prayed and I am healing. And at last, the tears stopped flowing.
Love. We all crave and need love in our lives. Regardless of your sexual orientation, love is necessary for survival along with feeling desired by your significant other.
Now ladies, I am going to be real for a moment. As I am writing this, I am struggling with my own relationship. I understand what it takes to have a successful relationship and have read numerous of books, watched shows, documentaries, on how to maintain a good relationship. Let me be the one to say, IT IS HARD. The general consensuses in all were that great relationships take work, dedication and there will be hard times. How couples survive the hard times is a clear indicator if you have a solid relationship. In the past, once my relationships got difficult, it ended, either by me or the other person –but mainly me. This time around, I truly desire to be with the person I am with even though we are not necessarily seeing eye to eye. What I learned, despite our troubled state, is that I genuinely like him as a person. I realize that is hard to come by and I am willing to do what it takes to make things work. With that being sad, I want to share 5 things that I have learned in the past and recently about basics of sustaining a healthy long lasting relationship.
- Communication- I can’t stress this enough. Most of us can not communicate effectively. Even I, who thinks I am a great communicator, am learning that I need to learn to communicate better with my significant other. Every person communicates differently and what used to work in a previous relationship, may not work in another one. Learning your significant other’s love language and communication style is important. More often than not, it will be necessary to gain better understanding on learning to communicate with your partner by means of a third party. A professional can equip a couple with tools specialized for them to aid in better communication.
- Relinquish Control – Yep, I said it. Let go of the need to want to control your partner and the groove of the relationship. It is important to let your mate be who they are. If things are not working the way you need, communicate (that ratchet C word again). But first ask yourself is this something personal? If so, do the work to find out way. Controlling aspects of your relationship is totally different from your career or decorating your home. You can only control yourself. Your reactions, your responses and your actions.
- Time – Spending quality time together is super important. If your significant other devotes their time everywhere else, but with you, then you need to communicate your expectations. Find out what works for them and express your needs. No relationship can survive without spending time together. Without quality time together, the relationship will fall apart and it also shows that there is something seriously wrong. If you like the person you are with, wouldn’t you want to spend time around each other?
- Trust- Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. There is no other way around it.
- Accept disagreements – You have your own mind right? Guess what! So does your significant other. You will never agree on everything. You will not like what the other says or does from time to time. Conflict is present in every relationship. Some people will say, they never fight, or they never have conflict. I call bullshit. Something is going unsaid. Being agreeable just to avoid conflict is never a good thing. Speak up. Be heard. Be respectful. If the disagreements aren’t major such as domestic violence, mental and emotional abuse, cheating then work it out! Why throw away a good relationship over misunderstanding? As you disagree on things, you will have a better understanding of your partner and if done correctly, you will grow closer.
Keep in mind; there are several things that contribute to a successful relationship. Relationships are hard, even if you have found your perfect match. Do not throw away a good relationship over a tough time. Perseverance, trust and good communication can withstand any tough time. Not everyone is a believer, but, if you are I will say seeking a higher power first is essential. Walking by faith and not by sight is solid key to overcoming any trouble that may come your way.
Ladies, thank you for reading and allowing me to be a little transparent in this post. I look forward to your comments and questions.
“Will they stand their ground? Will they let you down again? What about your friends, are they gonna be lowdown? Will they ever be around? Or will they turn their backs on you?” Those famous TLC lyrics still ring true till this day. Friendships are so complicated the older we get. What I used to think about friends in my 20’s is totally different than what I think about them now. Circles will get much smaller and with life changes, you tend to see people differently. Also in my later years, I have learned the difference between acquaintances and friends. I used to call everyone a friend and in actuality I NEVER had that many friends but had tons of acquaintances and that was perfectly ok. Now, I cut most of those acquaintances off, my coworkers tend to fall into that category and I hold my small circle of friends close. I have never been the one for small meaningless talks.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who told me a story about a time she severed a friendship with someone. She had to let that person know that they were not friends and simply acquaintances. Why? There was a misconception of friendship between them. Let me tell you all the back story. One person (let’s call her Lisa) was going above and beyond to be there for the other person (we will refer to her as Candace). Candace went through such a hard loss earlier in 2016 with the loss of a parent and everyone banded together to help her through the hard times, especially Lisa since they lived in the same town. Candace runs her own business and has asked Lisa for her services numerous of times throughout the years and happily Lisa helped. During the second half of the year, Lisa began going through some changes and had to acquire a second job which took up a lot of her free time on the weekends, which meant that Lisa could not attend a few activities that Candace has planned during the latter part of the year. Well, Candace during those months has been saying little mean things here and there in group outings towards Lisa which was uncalled for but disguised it as a joke and of course Lisa took notice. Fast forward to Memorial Day …Candace annual Memorial Day BBQ came around and she did NOT invite Lisa but invited everyone else. She posted pictures all over social media and showed pictured in their weekly Sunday brunch dates as a group knowing she did not invite Lisa. Lisa called her out on it in private and Candace lied to Lisa on the excuse as to why she was not invited, claiming she reached maximum capacity at the facility she rented to host the BBQ. After some back and forth between the two that was not getting anywhere fruitful, Lisa finally lets Candace know, her mean girl behaviors were not ok and that is not how you treat someone whom you consider a friend. She continues to let her know that she must distance herself from that type of behavior and will remain cordial with her in the future, being they run in the same circles, but that type on fake friendship she will not be a part of. Candace, appalled at Lisa stance, tried to justify her behavior with other excuses, which fell upon death ears.
What do you all think of this? Do you think Lisa was justified in her stance against Candace? Do you think there could be some reconciliation to their friendship? Or do you think they should let things go? I would love to hear from you guys on this.
True friends are hard to come by. My mother once told me when I was a little girl that if you have 3 good friends as an adult, you are truly blessed. I used to think “Not me! I have way more friends than 3 and they are my real friends!” Now, that I am older, I think, man was she right! I MAY have 3 to 4 super close friends and 4 may be stretching it! And let me tell you guys, I am so blessed with the ladies I call friends. We empower each other, we never demonstrate mean girl behavior, we embrace our differences, and we hold each other to a high standard all the while understanding that we are all fallible human beings. We do not need to speak daily, because we understand that we lead busy lives but are there for each other during our time of need. That is the kind of friendship that all women should have. Fair weather friends are for the young kids. It’s those who demonstrate genuine friendship in the midst of a storm that are worth keeping around.
What about your friends? Will they hold you down?
Until next time Ladies